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We had a fantastic time. I’d never met anyone who made me feel the way he did. But what was it? Hotel rooms, text messages, a string of fantasies. When we were together, it was as though no one else existed. But people did exist. And the age gap existed. And our separate lives existed. And all of that added up to more than sex. Because life is more than sex, even if it doesn’t always feel that way. I knew this and yet just the thought of his name lighting up my phone made my heart beat a little faster. I loved the physicality of our relationship. The push-pull, the violent romance, the secret intensity of it. Closed doors and sweaty skin and words that didn’t come out as words but as moans and gasps. I didn’t want to let go of him. I wanted to keep doing what we were doing. But then there was the sensible section of my brain, the part that seemed to go mute whenever Scott walked into the room. He was a quarter century older than me. We were never going to be in an official. Denial is intrinsic. Denialsprings from not accepting who we are for a number of reasons. Just asthose around us might not believe that we are crossdressers we ourselveshave trouble believing it. I can still remember the first time I shaved mylegs and the mixed feelings it brought up in me. Shaving your legs isindicative of a commitment to crossdressing, a commitment that makesdenial difficult if not impossible. I was giddy at having shaved my legsyet struggled with accepting my true self. Many if not most of us areperfectly normal guys who routinely participate in manly activities butnow and then we cross the gender border or perhaps more tellingly dancearound it. Denial is also dependent on just how good we look whilecrossdressed. This is a theory but bear with me. Those of us who arefortunate enough to look good, great, and passable are, in my own opinion,less likely to engage in denial. Those of us who unfortunately look likelinebackers in sacks are more likely to engage in.
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