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They didn’t mean to have me. I was an accident that served to make their life harder. I could’ve been treated like shit. I could’ve even been dumped somewhere. No, despite everything, they loved me. I think I loved them, too. The problem with my childhood memories is that I remember lots of events. I remember smells, tastes, things on my skin. I don’t remember feelings. Did I ever feel anything? Very basic things, perhaps. I remember raw curiosity each time we moved into a new flat. Exploring every corner, every room. Pulling up the carpet to see what that lump was beneath, investigating every stain on the wall. I remember that my primary school was somewhat of a comforting place. Other things kept changing, but that one stayed the same. I enjoyed going. I usually had a lot of fun doing my work, and I had some good teachers. There was one woman in particular, a classroom assistant, who tried very hard to understand me. I didn’t really have issues with other kids when I was younger.. He drove home, his mind seething, wondering what was left of his marriage and the life he had enjoyed. He wondered if he would ever smile again.The remainder of the day was spent dawdling around the house. He couldn't face cooking a meal, quieting his occasional hunger pangs by eating snacks, fruit juices and colas. The only break was getting another call from Susan on his cell phone at 9:45 as he was getting ready for bed. She complained again about how big and lonely their bed was without him in it. Early just grunted, trying not to be surly when he told her she didn't really know how lonely such a big bed could be. Susan was puzzled and asked what he meant. He tossed the comment off as agreeing that the bed by herself was very, very lonely for her.He told her had loved her more than his own life just as he hung up. He finally forced himself into bed at midnight. His mind seethed; did she love him at all? Was she trying to punish him for something? No, this wasn't about him, it had.
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