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At about noon my wife came home. She smelled like a liquor factory. I had already decided, 'fuck this, I'm just not going to put up with it anymore.'She came back contrite. She was so sorry. She couldn't remember what she did last night. This time that little ploy wasn't going to be accepted.I said, "Helen, where the fuck have you been. You do remember that I had a meeting with Al Johnson this morning?"She looked a bit guilty. "Oh, shit, I guess I forgot about it."I agreed with her. "Yes, I guess you did. I guess you forgot about a bunch of stuff: like telling me you were going out; letting me know where you were going to be; informing me of when you were going to come home; admitting to me who you were going to be fucking!"She look aghast. "I never..."I wasn't taking her shit anymore. "Helen, give it up. You smell like a cheap whore. You're a drunken slut. I've known about your fucking around on me for quite some time. But now you've gone too fucking far."Well, denial didn't work.. Or you can say that she said that these ones that are longer term often turn out to be good football players. In science, you see, I teach that gestation (that's what we call it) is not an exact length. It depends.Or a tip about when you go to the NEA Convention and your husband phones you at 2:00 AM and this Assistant Principal you met answers the phone. You say loudly, "Oh, thank you officer for responding so promptly. I thought 911 was how I set my phone to do a wake-up call."Or maybe your spouse finds your pills and he's had the big V already. You say they're not what they're labeled; that's just to expedite them through customs. They're just meth.'Or maybe your kid looks pretty much like the milkman. Your husband maybe wonders. Remind him that the termite exterminator guy is the milkman's brother, so he's probably wrong. Don't tell hubby about ordering "extra fresh cream".Or husbands. Be suspicious if your wife goes to tennis lessons twice a week and always comes back showered.
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