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Now, I’m going to pull the soft spile out a bit, so that we lose a touch more of the carbonation, but I’m going to cover it again with a teatowel so we don’t get anything in it. Just be warned that it will pour a bit faster than you expect if you draw any beer before I put the spile back this evening.”“Thanks, Ned. Sorry everybody, but we’ll leave the tasting at that, otherwise the beer will be half gone before the party has even started!”There were pretend groans from us all; the others had got used to enjoying Ruddles Ales during our trips to the ‘Darby and Joan’ the previous summer, but of course they understood Dad’s reasoning. It wasn’t as if they weren’t going to get plenty of free beer tonight!“Mr Baker, can I show you the wine and check how you want to play it?”Ned took Dad round the back of the bar to inspect a pile of wine boxes. I followed out of curiosity; Mum and Dad hadn’t told me very much about the arrangements for the party, and it seemed a much bigger event than I. Baptist (southern): Shit will happen. Praise the lord!Behaviorism: Shit is conditioned to happen.Born Again-ism: Shit Happens, but I am saved.Buddhism 1: If shit happens, it is not really shit.Buddhism 2: If shit happens, it isn’t really happening TO anyone.Buddhism 3: Shit will happen again to you next time.Buddhism 4: What is the sound of one shit happening?Buddhism 5: Shit will happen to you again.Buddhism 6: Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation.Calvinism 1: Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.Calvinism 2: Shit is predestined to happen.Calvinism 3: If you’re not saved, tough shit.Canine-ism: Shit happens in the neighbor’s yard.Cannibalism: Don’t eat the shit.Capitalism 1: That’s MY shit!Capitalism 2: If you’re going to sell that shit, at least make a profit.Capitalism 3: How much is that shit?CargoCult: A barge will come and take all the shit away.Catholicism 1: Our shit is the One True Shit and we can trace our shit back to.
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