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Coffee and a pound of Columbian coffee?" I informed him."Done," he replied."Here," Martin said as he handed me the burn phone. Put your phones in the box and I'll mail them to Maxine's house."I knew that I would have to make a trip to the post office to get the package, since there was nowhere for the mailman to leave it at the apartments. It didn't seem like anything worth mentioning to Martin, so I dropped my phone into the box. "Wait, I need to make a call first. I quickly called Cheryl. "When a package for me arrives, please put it in your apartment until I get home. That is if the mailman leaves it. He might or might not leave it." I said into her voice mail I did not give her my burn phone number. It would have been an operational security breech.Martin dropped me at the house, while he went into the next largest town with a WalMart. There he shopped from a list we worked out the night before. Mostly it was stuff like blankets, those big thick airbeds, folding chairs and a card. I was not attracted to boys either, perhapsbecause of prayer, but more likely because then I was one of them. Theywere like my brothers, all of them. You are not sexually attracted toyour own brothers.When I say that I don't know what suddenly changed me, it is because Icannot think of a single moment when I realized what I was. We neverlearned anything about what the word transgender meant - I had never evenheard of it until rumspringa. Then I just gradually came to understandthat it was the word that described me.It is hard for people who have been brought up in a closed community tofind their way in the world, but It hooked up with a transgender group inthe city and they took me into my care. I remember that they were so kindto me I said that they must be Christian, but they just laughed. "We'renot religious, we're your sisters," they said.Some people's faith is shaken by death, disaster or injustice. Mine wasshaken by kindness. They loved me not because of a direction.
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