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The nurse then helped me lie back on the table and put my butt just at the edge of the exam table and helped put each heel in the stirrups. She adjusted them much wider and I felt very embarrassed by this realizing my doctor was going to be looking between my legs. He washed his hands and put on a fresh pair of gloves and then walked to the end of the table between my legs. The nurse stood there right next to him. I felt his finger then touch the back of one of my thighs and then the other I assumed at the red marks from the bamboo stick. I then was stunned at his next question, Tori are you sexually active? I swallowed hard and knew Id better tell the truth so I replied, Yes sir? He then asked me, How old are you? And I didnt reply. He then asked me if I was using protection. I paused at his question and answered, No sir. He then asked, Tori you understand that you could become pregnant or get a venereal disease, right? Yes sir, I replied. I then gasped when I felt him press his. At any moment, either of us could stop this, lend an ear to a suspicious voice cloaked in smug judgment, take that step back and lose the contact. And in thinking of this, I take a deeper breath, force these memories to sear themselves into my mind, absorbing every single second that I stand here, desperate not to forget any part of this. I float back to the surface, your warm, soft words flowing around me still. I try to refocus on the conversation, the wall, any required responses that I need to offer. Have I been caught? Do you know where I am as you sit there, offering your friendship, your conversation? Can you read my eyes? Can you hear my heart beating differently? I realize that I’m holding my breath as I check your eyes and face for discovery. Am I safe? I spiral back into what I can only hope is the future. I can feel your breath in my hair, your face is tilted down toward the top of my head as I stare into the darkened fabric of your shirt, my eyes wide open. Why am I.
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