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Memories flashed through his head as clear as the day they had formed. Each was a moment of passion between him and his several girlfriends. Each was cherished in its own way, even the bad days or after the harsh breakups. But now that same shocking energy was altering the images in his mind.His first time with a girl in the back of his Dad’s car on Prom Night warped and reformed into him awkwardly humping his date on the dance floor, only to prematurely squirt off in his pants. The passionate moans dissolved into unkind laughter of his peers. He shook that off, trying to focus on another memory. Another cherished experience in the bedroom, or sometimes outside of it. Each time it turned to something humiliating or just pathetic. Dates reformed into elaborate masturbatory fantasies he’d had, not real events. One night stands became embarrassing moments of admitted virginity and the heat in his cheeks from the shame that resulted.“Noooo!” he whined, his precious status as a hunky stud. How many times must I have watched a woman rest her bag on the counterwhile she pays for her purchases? There are reasons why they do thesethings.The transaction at an end - which is more than can be said for myembarrassment - I lurch outside, almost ripping the packet to pieces in myhaste to tear off the cellophane wrapping and the silver foil separatingme from my first drag for more than three hours. I pull one of theWinstons free, pop it in my mouth, strike a match, hold it to the tightlyrolled tobacco, inhale and..."Oh my God."The blood drains from my face as the bus shelter reels at an insane angle,carrying the rest of the world with it. I totter into the reinforcedglass, coughing so fiercely it would come as no surprise to see my lungsfly through the air and splatter onto the wet flagstones.Ruth doesn't smoke. The craving must only be in my mind.A dishevelled individual wearing an old brown raincoat leers at me as hewalks by."You might want to think about giving those up, love,".
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