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We were just dancing."He doesn't seem convinced so I go into my hated lovie routine. My hands wrap around his neck and I pull my face close to his. Staring into his eyes I whisper, "You're the man for me and you always will be."And I watch the ice melt a little.I am playing my cards close. I will drop him, but not quite yet. I think I should drop him hard when I do. I want him to see that he has lost me and that I never really cared about him at all. I want him to see that he is a loser who is not good enough for me, not rich enough for me.I will be sorry to lose him as a lover, he is the best I've ever known. But that's all.NO! That's not me. Those thoughts are hateful. I worship him like I know he worships me. I don't want to lose him.I don't care about him ... I do care ... I don't care ... I hate myself.Christ! Am I going mad? Am I going to wake up one day in a straight jacket?It's the end of the party. David has our coats and he leads me by the arm to the front door, where Simon. I didn't at first, but I learned--the hard way.I suppose I would be considered a hunk. I was large framed and definitely filled out from all the hard work that farming entails. I had the gift of seeing something and being able to describe it so people could visualize what I saw. Grampa had lost his sight when I was young and he used to make me sit with him. Then he would make me tell him what I saw. I was his eyes to the world he still lived in but had been lost to the darkness. Writing came easy for me, and I breezed through my courses in the top two percent of my class.Girls--I had a whole pasture full of them when I got to college. Maybe I didn't speak too well, but I sure could write a love note. Sex--hell I knew all about that, living on the farm with cows and bulls and other animals. And I considered that I was always in control. I plowed my way through a bevy of beauties and had a lot of fun doing it. Jean caught my eye the last year before I received my degree. She kept me at.
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