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I guess I had to chalk it up to alcohol, drugs and too much freedom After I got that hurdle out of the way, I felt my sexual side awaken and I wanted to engage in many more encounters.I ended up dating the guy I did it with for a little while, but I broke it off, not wanting to be attached to anyone so early in my college years. Instead, I had a couple of one-night stands and pretty much lived it up. I was enjoying the casualness of the encounters and it excited me.All during that time, I never forgot about my encounter with my cousin Robert. Many times after that night I replayed that scene between us. It fueled countless fantasies and I found myself with my hand between my legs more than once. I kept wondering what would have happened if I decided to let him deflower me that night. I knew he would have, but what kind of implications would it have had?And I never forgot the words he said to me right after he slipped out."So you gonna go running off to him with another guy's cum in. ...It was morning. The butt plug throbbed deep within him. David laythere adjusting to the reality of the day, of the sunshinefiltering into his room, lying in mote-filled beams across his bed,the dream fading, but still remembered for a few fleeting moments.They, the dreams, were now an accepted, inescapable part of hisexistence. As always on their fading he was filled with a dreadfulfear that nagged away at him. The fear that he was indeed losingcontrol over his inner masculinity. That it was seeping away,insidiously being replaced by the acceptance of a softer feminineself. Even the fear seemed dulled now though. Perhaps because onecan't replicate fear day after day, it wears away watered down byfamiliarity, eroded by waiting.And perhaps it was less this Sunday morning because perhaps it neednot be. Before there had been no refuge from it. No place to hide.But now? But now there was a little corner of hope to which hecould retreat. From there he could look out at his fear, examine.
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