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I do try. Mama sees the truth. She gives me a look. I tremble so, for fear she will punish me again, and the feelings come rising up — choking me. I try to look down, modestly, to still my beating heart, to stop the flushed blood rising in my cheeks. I cannot bear it! I get thrown into such a hysteria. I had the misfortune to be born on St. Valentine’s Day — 1844. A well reared and educated girl, I of course do not look for any foolish lace and paper cards decorated with cupids and the like on The Day. I content myself with a small family party to which Mama may invite one or two of my friends from school. I just know she will invite Clara Macready again this year. Clara will be simpering with the ring on her finger — although I own to you, that I have never seen such a small stone in my life. I do not know what she thinks she has to boast of in such a trumpery little ring. She and Mrs Macready will be full of the details of her coming spring wedding. I cannot bear it! It is my. * It had been three weeks since the incident where Suzanne had the bad acid trip. Misha had sat down with her the next day and tried to get her to see a councillor at her College to help her deal with her problems, but she just shook her head and told him she would stay clean. That she had learnt her lesson. That she was sorry. She would never do it again. She would clean up her act. That she loved him. Misha held her whilst she told him she loved him. She begged him not to leave her. He held her, telling her he loved her and would look after her. That everything was going to be alright. Slowly they made love. There on the bed where he had held her during her bad trip, the sheets around them creased and messy, the room strewn with her things, the smell of sweat and fear mingling with the musky smell of sex. Sordid and dirty, the room didn’t reflect the sweet act of love that played out on the small bed. Normally the sex between them was wild, but somehow this seemed more.
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