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She turned to a blank page. She stared at it for a few minutes before actually writing anything. Guilt ridden, she wrote these words: I am a slave to the pain and taste, feel and touch of sex. I breathe humiliation being thrust upon me like a child being chastised. Will the Lord ever forgive me for this habitual transgression – this lust of the flesh? I feel as though I can’t shake it. Every time I think I want to let it go, I give in and give up and let the pain, not the dominant, act as my master. Will this internal struggle ever end for me? It calls out to me in the middle of the night when I am lonely. I can’t believe I actually thanked God for bringing Cassius into my life because he enjoyed giving pain as much as I enjoyed receiving it. It’s a crying shame to say I can not see a day when I will let go of this thrill and rush I get with every infliction of pain to my body. Help me, Lord! The clock on the night stand next to Cassius displayed in large red numbers the time of two. We were treading water, as he pulled me close to him. Up against his firm chest, my hands laying on his upper arms, I could hear his increased breathing and was sure he could hear mine. I looked longingly into his blue eyes, and saw the same look in them, as he reached a hand to brush a soaking red curl out of my green ones. The movement sent a shiver up my spine, and he sensed it. He leaned closer to me, and I closed my eyes as he drew nearer. I was thoroughly disappointed when he placed a soft kiss on my cheek, and let out the breath that I didn’t know I was holding. I opened my eyes and saw his slight smile. ‘I’ll get the oars,’ he said, lifting me back into the canoe. I watched breathlessly as he located them, and began to swim back. We rowed back in silence. Not an uncomfortable one – rather a confused one, like we were both attempting to figure out what we wanted. When we reached land, I got out of the boat, and turned to see Nate staring at me intently. ‘What’s wrong?’ I.
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