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I was scared and didn't really know him so I said no. The next night he knocked on my door and as I open it I could see him look around real nervous worried about who might see him talking to this tranny fag. He ask real quick if he could come in but again I said no and he left quickly. He was a really cute younger black guy about half my age and it did turn me on because I knew he want more than to talk with me. Well he called me a couple more times in the next week and at one point told me he was playing with his self thinking about me sucking his cock. Every time he would ask to come over but I would always say no. Well the next friday night I had just taken a shower cleaned myself out and put my butt plug in, then got dressed sort of slutty as I had a friend who was coming over. This friend is a white guy who comes over for a bj once in awhile. I started drinking as I always do when he comes over. He was there for maybe a hour and I gave him a bj and he left. I had a couple more. These emotions make me want to break free — to leave this life in search of another for nothing I or anyone else does makes me feel truly happy and conflict free. To fill the gap I harbour in my soul seems pointless — neither family member nor any person on this earth can change the way I am. Death seems to be my only solution- my only escape and yet fate has not allowed me to leave this place and, I haven't the courage to do so myself. Invisibility would be a gift and yet the only thing I wish for lies within the bounds of impossibility.I want to disappear from the life I live and find another, I want to leave all those I know forever. I know myself better than any other and I know that I lack the capacity for truly endearing emotions. I love pain and danger yet I feel incapable of love and innocence. My life is a shadow of anger — I'm drowning in rage and disgust for myself. My entire being is an imposition.Water: an undeniably relaxing element. When I feel it swish against me at.
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