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She was joined by Jess, Mike, and myself. Since Emma was giving up her apartment to him for a steal, Mike felt obligated to help her move. The fact that the sooner she was out, the sooner he was in, well, that was just a bonus.“Well, this is it guys,” Emma said to Jess and me with a sigh.“Don’t be like that,” Jess replied. “You’re going to be living fifteen minutes away. And you are going to visit anytime you like, you hear me?”Jess leaned in and put her arms around Emma. Emma returned the embrace.“So,” I said, turning to Mike. “Are you going to need help moving your stuff in?”“No,” Mike said, turning to me. “I should be good. I have two friends from school who are helping me load the U-Haul tomorrow. All I really have is my clothes and a mattress since Emma was nice enough to leave all of her stuff. Thank you for the offer, though.”“Oh, Emma,” he said, turning to her. “Liz and I are going out on our first date tonight!”“Mike! That’s great! I’m so happy for you!” Emma said.“Thanks.. My stepsister’s role in my fantasy world changed. She became obsessed with punishing me. I became her bitch, and she was as brutal and as cruel in my dreams as she wanted to be. I loved it. Chapter 3 My sexual practices began to broaden. I explored the darker realms. My lingerie went from pieces decorated in flowers and teddy bears to vinyl skirts and fishnets. I bought sex toys that mixed pain with pleasure. My willingness to violate myself overrode my desire to make God happy to the point that I was willing to put myself through the pain of autofellatio. I wanted to let religious life go. I thought I could just move on and accept myself the way I was. But I found quitting self-righteousness just as difficult as stopping my dirty daydreams. I would pleasure myself in the darkest ways I could imagine at night, and the next day lead my peers in worship of a God I no longer understood. Part of me wanted to be punished while the other wanted me to be righteous. Neither wanted to give.
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