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Tuesday, February 15, 2000Work was totally crazy. Didn't get home until 9.Met Ryan tonight on my way in. He seemed nice. I am looking forward to picturing him tonight. Oh my G_d, I can't believe I am actually planning what I will fantasize when I listen to them. I am so pathetic. But it will be nice to be able to picture him now. I have tried to picture him with a look on his face like he is totally enjoying her and looking at me like I can only dream about a guy like him, but it will be easier now.G_d, it suddenly occurred to me how embarrassing it would be if anyone ever read all this. I think I would die. Thank G_d I live alone. Wednesday, February 16, 2000Margaret was about why I hate birthdays. I wish I could talk about listening to Trish and Ryan. But I just can't. How could I tell her that I spent all night Saturday waiting for them? Or that now, not only do I use Kendal every day after work to relax, but every night while I listen to the neighbours have sex. Or. I had taken a lot of weight, what – of course – had incited the guys at school to bully me. That didn't help any either, for I found solace in eating even more. Bad choice! At least my mother hadn't taken too much time to move in with a new boyfriend who she seemed pretty happy with. He was okay for me too. I was fine with him as my stepdad and he was okay with me as his stepson. However, he had a daughter named Lynne who was two years older than I was. A real pain in the ass, I tell you. She wouldn't miss a chance to pick on me. Not even at home did I have a break from being badgered, you see? That was not the only problem: Ever since I had realized my stepsister was a real babe I couldn't take my eyes off her. It happened right after my sixteenth birthday: I ran into the bathroom while she was taking a shower. I liked what I was looking at – well, gawking at would be a more suitable expression, I guess –, but she obviously didn't like that so much. I still do wonder why....
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