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Not just any women, but one in an arranged marriage. A beautiful woman with weight she wore very well and the looks and personality carved out by God himself. My thoughts were completely disrupted by her warm smooth lips caressing mine. I do not know why, but I kissed her back. I had never kissed before; certainly not anything like that. She then stopped for a brief moment and told me:“Open your mouth more. I don’t want to just peck you.” I completely complied and she stuck her tongue almost to my throat. Being a quick learner I replicated her movements and soon she and I were battling each other’s tongues. Suddenly she pulled back, “I’m sorry Jake, this is completely wrong. I’m an arranged girl!” I had a mild doubt of the sincerity of her words.“No, it’s okay. Plenty of friends show their friendships by kissing.” I was only slightly lying to her and knowing my words to me mostly truth I kissed her once more, but then my shy side kicked in. “I… Think you may be right, but… I just. But join them? Not flash andrun? Was she being cruel or considerate? She must know that 'wheneverI feel ready' means for me, in one sense, never. At least not duringthe seven years of married life I've been secretly dressing as a woman,hiding it from her after a first few years of trying to give it up andfailing. So at least she'd never know. Or so I'd thought.In another sense, I was thinking, 'whenever I feel ready' can mean whenI've screwed up my courage because there's nothing for it, no way out, Ihave to trust that I can pass, can seem to be Helen's housemate Deniseand nothing more, no one else and no one but. Play it out that way andcome down the stairs like a lady, graciously poised. Somehow survivethe humiliation. Looking like a clown if I can't pass as 'Denise,' andutterly emasculated, thoroughly feminized if I can pass. Either wayforever after, her memory would see me as less than a man. A lot less.And 'whenever I feel ready' to allow this 'Jake' person she's.
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