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Being with her then, just by the way she looked at me, told me she loved me. Feeling guilty, she made me feel that I was deceiving her by lying to her, when I told her that I loved her, too, when I didn’t, even though, in hindsight, I did. Yet, I didn’t feel bad enough about lying to her not to take advantage of her sexually. Back then, unable to love anyone, when I didn’t even love myself, I couldn’t love her then in the way she loved me and in the way that I love her now. Too preoccupied by other women, too wild to give way to a rope lassoed around my neck, I needed to roam, run free, and go hog wild. With my sexual desire for her interfering with my love and romance, unable to see the real woman standing before me that she was, oblivious to the good woman she was inside, I only saw her in bits and pieces, tits, ass, pussy, hands, and mouth. Back then, with me being so immaturely young, my heart was a black hole and as empty as my head. With all the self-centeredness that I had. At home I found myself watching a lot more bi-sexual porn. That way I could stare at the dicks but still see the women. It helped me convince myself I wasn’t gay. Eventually I was watching almost as many gay flicks as bi. I also found myself wondering more often what it would be like to suck a dick. I had a hard time tasting my own cum and wasn’t sure why, but after I came I usually wiped off quick, took a shower and went to bed, I just couldn’t get myself to eat it.Once at the book store, a dick came through the hole before a set of fingers. I squatted down and just looked real close. I eventually touched it and wasn’t completely put off by it. But, I still got up and left.Between the porn and the book store I thought I might get over missing Deb. I’ve caught myself a few times now, going to the bookstore even when I didn’t need car parts. I tried hitting them up at different time to see when they were most busy. Weekdays 4:30 to 6:00 seemed best. Next trip, somebody was already in.
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