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You were married, weren't you?"I hesitated. That was my private Hell and I wanted it to stay dead and buried. But Marc's private Hell was with him whenever he looked in the mirror or when people stared at his face."I was glad when the drink killed him. It took him ten years. Ten years out of my life." Why did you stay?" I suppose I loved him once. He stayed with me when things were bad. He pitied me so I stayed with him out of gratitude. I had an ectopic pregnancy. You know what that is?"I felt him nod. I'd moved back against him for comfort."After that I couldn't have children. He wanted a family, but he stayed with me. Things were never the same."I turned on the bedside light although it made him nervous. I looked at his smooth brown skin and his strong limbs."You think I'm attractive?" I challenged him. I knelt above him and my breasts sagged.He turned towards me and smiled, letting the light fall on both sides of his face. "You'd feel better about yourself if you lost a few. So if that's the problem, the obvious solution is let myself open up. To get beyond the simple expedient of being 'the boyfriend' and allowing them to see the real me, which is terrifying to contemplate.Why was that such a scary thought? Fear of rejection? Well, I should be used to that by now. Except, I always took comfort in the idea that they weren't really rejecting me, because they didn't really know the 'real' me. They were rejecting my version of 'the boyfriend'.I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always been a dead end, and if I ever wanted something like long-term happiness I'd have to be honest with them and myself. I'd have to learn how to be myself, which was a weird thought. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be myself', I guess.Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and then the internet, I discovered stories describing BDSM relationships, and it resonated somewhere deep.
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