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The exam table had "handles" to hold. I guessed it was made for people who didn't like exams, perhaps. With my bottom hanging so far off, leaving me feeling as if I would fall off the table, I was ready for the exam.Next was the final preparation of the machine. They always put a condom over the probe. Following the cleaning, this was always reassuring to me, having one final step to cleanliness. The machine was angled so I could see the screen, relaxing me due to my education and familiarity with the anatomy. Finally, he squirted lubricant on the probe and turned to me, ready to begin.Interestingly enough, the sheet that I had been given to cover myself was immediately bunched down and pushed back. He said that he needed to be able to feel both the inside and the outside. This was supposed to help him with control.Something seemed a little off. He was standing for the exam. I had this procedure once before and my doctor sat by my side, operating the million controls. The probe felt. I honestly don’t think I could have coped emotionally with another day like Saturday. Part of me wondered if my change in feelings was the mind’s natural defense mechanism against trauma and overload. I think it was this ‘cut-out’ mechanism working in tandem with my hopes for what Monday would bring.A couple of times, a little voice would tell me that my hopes for Monday might just be so much hot air. Hopes built on sand, rather than rock. But I chose to believe the opposite. I’m honestly not sure I could have coped with a more nuanced and realistic level of optimism. I chose to look at a half-full glass as if it was totally full. The thought of a half-empty glass and five or six more days like Saturday was something I daren’t even think about.And when I did tune in, when I saw the two of them just snuggling and being close, I felt my anger and self-righteousness start building. But when I saw them making love, strangely I felt a little more forgiving and less angry towards Sue..
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