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Gentleness reigned only for a moment before passion slammed through me like a terrified bison through tall brush. Time and place disappeared. There was only Martreen the feel of her body leaning into me, the taste and scent of her overwhelming my senses. I couldn't get close enough.I finally backed up, keeping my hands on Martreen's shoulders. My voice sounded forced, husky, "I now know what I lost when I left you behind. Martreen, you are inside me no matter how great the distance that separates us. I want you with us. I want all of you. I want to make love with you, sleep with you, and wake up with you next to me." You have no idea how much I've longed for that Dac," she said almost in a whisper, "But, Roya and Sheel, the love making training, you know how important it is to them... to the world," she qualified. "Dac, these are the people who love you and whom you love. I'm not trying to argue, and you know how much I want to be with all of you, but what changed? I can't disappoint. I was instantly overcome with regret and horror, for there lay Jon entangled in a mound of disheveled sheets, wrapped in the arms and legs of another guy, and obviously savoring the afterglow of sexual encounter. "I'm sorry" I stammered as I retreated in bewilderment. Jon bounded up and after me, calling out "Wait Allie, let me explain." But I understood, and this needed no explanation. I was just another gay lover, a variation on the guy in his bed. He caught up with me at the front door. "Allie, he's just a friend." "Yeah, and so am I," I sobbed, and broke free from his grasp and ran down the stairs into the darkening, cold afternoon. I took a long route back to the dorm. I was nauseated by the thought of Jon enjoying sex with another man. True, I was still physically partly a male, but he had related to me only as an active, dominant male, and I to him as passive, submissive female. Keeping sexual activity within these categories reassured me and kept me sane and balanced, but.
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