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While I should have been listening to myteachers, I was instead daydreaming about being one of the girls. I wasone of the girls in the teacher's lounge. I was one of the girls on theplayground. My mind would alternate between being a 12 year old girl andbeing an adult woman.I looked at the clothes the girls my age in school were wearing andcompared them to my mom's clothes at home and the clothes my teacherswore. The younger clothes were cute, especially the dresses, but thepink tees and girl's jeans didn't do it for me. I liked the real dressesand women's pant suits that populated my mother's closet. I felt thesame about purses. The girls in my school carried around little pursescapable of holding not much more than a tube of lipstick and a compact.But my mother's purses and the ones my teachers slung across theirshoulders were as big as houses. I imagined all the things I could carryif I had a big purse.My friends were the other things that distracted me from my school. And you tried to put it to bed out of fear, as if it can be turned on and off like a tap. You thought it would make us better parents to become ordinary folk for the first time in our lives. What do you think now? That one act almost cost us our marriage. Our Marriage. The most important precious thing in the world to me.’ ‘My god Anna! You are right. I stole it from you, and I stole it from us. I was so scared I could not be a good father, I had to stifle you in the process of taking a kind of control. And then when I can’t feed off you in the night anymore, I turn on you.’ The intensity of the situation causes us both to stop and to reflect for just a moment. Everything is pouring out of me. Every feeling I’ve had, every frustration and all my pent up lost love. I want him so much, but I want him my way. Our way. I never want to compromise for or with Peter again. ‘Peter, I won’t accept your guilt just as I would not accept your wandering mind. Now is the time to be a man. Now is.
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