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" He got up lazily, put on hisblack hoody and grabbed my butt as he passed. "Got to go make a deliveryto a chele. And I'll have some of this when I come back."I sweep up my hormone trove and pop my afternoon dose of Diane as I headfor the shower. The bathroom door handle wobbles uselessly in my hand andI jerk the door open. I step into the peeling, dank bathroom. I try tokeep it clean, but there is no money for cleaning products. The micro-organisms are in full rebellion.I strip off my boy clothes. I look at my gauzy reflection in foggedmirror. My butt is too skinny, my arms are too long. I am already tootall to be an Asian girl. In profile, my boobs are barely perceptiblebumps. I must hasten my transition, before my boy hormones change meirrevocably. But Cesar failed to get the anti-androgens I need. The mold splotched curtain billows in the steam and I step into theasthmatic shower, which alternately hisses a spray of hot and freezingwater, never enough. The soap is a multi color. I was trying to concentrate. Istill felt detached and groggy. My body ached to my bones. I sleptfeverishly, sometimes for days at a time.Reality eventually caught up with me. I'd wake up for brief periodsduring that phase and abstractly note the gradual changes. At thebeginning, I had these grotesque, large brown areolas. Later, I wasabsently aware that my breasts had grown fleshy and full. It was allgenetic, all the changes. My mother had large breasts. I didn't knowit yet, but I was a full C.It might've been a month before I clearly, consciously realized that myincredible recklessness had led me to this unbelievable situation. Ithad been so dreamlike, so nightmarish, and something I could onlyobserve, helplessly. I'd seen that new crease but I didn't feelcastrated. I just felt so coolly objective about it all. Until one day, the utter reality set in that I was a woman. No, noteven a woman! I was fucking man in a goddamn female body! Look, there is no way you or.
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