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You look like you've been roasted over a slow fire." Don't say that!" He twitched all over and poured his drink down in one gulp. It was the first time I'd seen him look nervous since our first year of high school. Even back then he'd been the cool one, never flustered. Making a wide detour around the fireplace he went back to the bar and fixed another drink, this time not bothering with fresh ice. He really did look awful. It was a warm morning, giving promise of being a real scorcher later on but it wasn't hot enough to account for how he was sweating. His shirt was soaked under the arms, his collar was unbuttoned and in spite of his tan his face was as flushed as though he'd been out in the sun too long."Don't mention fire!" His attempt at a laugh was shaky, bitter. "I feel like I'm burning up. God it's hot in here!" Then turn off that damned gas log! I never could figure out why you had to have it going all the time. You'd have been a natural as a fire bug." Yeah, big deal.. Why do you do this job? A shot of something in my drip. Bitch! Suppression. Oppression. You are willing me to die but taunt me by keeping my body alive. This IS me. Stop! Harder to concentrate. I can’t think. Bitch. Helpless and angry, a pitiful combination. And you just walk away. 27 June I gaze down the garden path and across to the trees beyond the pond. Sunlight and birdsong. I try to feel something. Anything. There’s no rage left, no anger. But there is nothing to take its place either. I try to hold that thought but I can’t. I know I need you to know that, but helpless, I know it’s unlikely I’ll recall it later. Still staring at the trees, I feel I ought to be responding to the beauty around me. I can see it’s a pretty place, a lovely afternoon. I try again to concentrate. I hear the birds, a light breeze rustling the manicured landscape. I can hear the unusual sounds of children playing in the visitor’s garden. I feel next to nothing in response. I ought to feel so much.
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