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But it made sense, everything did with that little piece of information, Debbie rubbing into Christy that we were together and she had slept with me, Christi's hostility towards me. Even Debbie's coldness towards our lovemaking, and eventual disappearance, when she and her lesbian lover reconciled.The numbness in my brain must have distracted me for a moment because Debbie was now standing beside Christy, she was the bitch to Christi's butch. They were both dressed in robes, but Christi's was gray flannel, and more of a man's housecoat, where as Debbie's was a suitable feminine red silk robe with a gold Chinese pattern on it. Debbie had long soft hair, like waves of flaxen gold, where as Christi's haircut was short and severe, and her hair was dark and rough looking. Debbie also wore a light make-up to refine her features to an angelic softness, and Christy wore no make-up letting her blunt features, and masculine tone show.As I sat there in shocked silence Debbie smacked Christy. He was particularly sensitive to my moods. If I was feeling especially down, he'd make me a cup of tea and bring it to me with a cookie. Or he'd climb on my lap and cuddle, knowing little affections like that always lifted my spirits.The first steps in my coming out revolved around my inner struggle. I had to honestly admit it to myself, and then I had to come to grips with my own notions, prejudices, and expectations of what being a lesbian meant. That's not as simple and straightforward as it sounds; at least it wasn't for me.None of this was helped by the fact that, without knowing it at the time, I was suffering with a deep and dark depression. Many nights, I could hear the Banshees wailing. During the darkest times, the only thing that kept me from killing myself was my son. He didn't know then, nor does he know now (I think) that he kept me going. How could I deprive him of a mother, and in the most painful way imaginable? I couldn't, so just by being he kept me alive.An.
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