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Emma whispered to me, ‘You wanna hear this?’ I just nodded. In my mind I heard a herald of trumpets followed by a voice that sounded suspiciously like Cecil B. DeMille in ‘The Ten Commandments’. You’d think that Emma would have some originality. The voice said, ‘Thus saith the Lord: If thy right eye offends thee, pluck it out. If thy dick offends thee, cut it off!’ I whispered to Emma, ‘Is that really in the Bible?’ Emma said to the fat man, ‘It looks like you already did the eye part, how about the dick?’ The fat man looked stricken. He pulled down the zipper of his pants and reached in and pulled out a truly puny penis. I said to Emma, ‘For heaven’s sake, don’t let him cut it off!’ I heard the sonorous voice of DeMille shout ‘Stop! Go sinner and sin no more! If you try this again, you will be eating your balls for breakfast!’ The fat man turned and ran like hell. Both Emma and I were laughing by the time the man’s van had sped down the street. I hugged her. She can turn even a. So what?”Again John was intently studying something on the tabletop in front of him. “I want to go to Hillsdale!” he blurted. Then looking up at his mother he added, “It would be much better for the guys, too. And ... and ... Tony Kramer is the best quarterback I’ve ever seen. And Paul Christian is even faster than I am...” At that point John just ran down and stopped.“John, dear,” Andy asked with a wry grin, “why in hell do you think I just gave half a billion dollars to Hillsdale? In the vernacular, it’s known as buying you in.”“But what for?” John asked. “Notre Dame wanted to give us all scholarships, and I’m sure my grades are good enough...”“Grades? What are grades?” Andy mused. Then she brightened and said, “Oh, I know! Those report-card thingies.” Then she proudly announced, “I always got F’s and I’s.”“Mother, you’re kidding!” John protested.“What do you mean, kidding? What did you get?”“All A’s,” John replied with his face reddening with embarrassment.“Hah!” Andy announced.
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