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Anyway, Mom died five years ago in a terrible accident involving a StairMaster and a bottle of mango flavored VitaminWater. She died in her house, a 19th century Victorian in New Jersey. Despite the fact that she was a total bitch, Mom left the house to me. My friends suggested I sell it.“Why would you want to live in a house your mom died in?” They’d ask.“She died in the house, Francis, let that sink in. That’s really upsetting.” They’d say.“Francis, she didn’t just die in her bed peacefully. She was electrocuted and ripped to pieces by a rogue StairMaster after spilling a mango flavored VitaminWater into its power source. There was hardly anything left of her body. She was fried and shredded by the exercise machine. The floors of the house are stained with her blood. Her death stench fills the house. You can’t move into that house, Francis.” They’d whine.My friends are bitchy as well, now that I come to think of it.Fuck my friends, I moved into the house. It was a big house for one. But I couldn't help looking at that large chicken seated at the defense table... at least, things like that _didn't_ use to happen.The man sitting next to me raised his hand."Yes. Mr. Krinkle." My wife was transformed into a reindeer, Your Honor."I turned and looked at him with apprehension. I wished I could move to a new chair."When did that happen, Mr. Krinkle?" asked the judge."It was last Christmas Eve, sir."Daisy, that was my wife and I had just gone to bed, when out in the yard there arose such a clatter. When we rose from our bed and went outside to see what was the matter, we found this jolly old bearded gentleman in a bright red suit standing beside a reindeer laid out on the snow in obvious pain."Daisy asked if there was something she could do to help. The old man smiled at her, then touched his index finger to the side of his nose. Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light. The next thing I knew a reindeer was standing beside me where Daisy had been. And a young naked.
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