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So youcouldn't tell anyone else. What you wanted to be, was to grow up likeyour mother and be a wife and mother who was respected in the community.But another part of you wanted the simple, carefree childhood of a younggirl that you was denied. You wanted to be a girl, but you thought youwas too plain and all you could see of yourself was a boy in makeup anddresses. To cope with this conflict you turned to cigarettes, booze anddrugs." What does all this have to do with my nightmare," I inquired.Well the bullies in your school, those that drove you to attempt suicide,you wanted to make them pay. So the jock, Larry, became gay. This wasthe closest you came to being yourself. But relationships with boyswasn't enough. The obese boy, Bruce, was forced to become something thathe didn't understand. Just as you fretted with your parents so did he,but wasn't allowed to quit, he had to become what you truly wanted to be. Carl, the angry boy, became what you truly want to be a well. You never saw so many people who had 'left water running', 'had a doctor's appointment', or were 'late for an operation'.Without a real social life, my fantasy life fell back to the two stars of my youth: my mother and her twin sister. They always appeared to be the soul of propriety, dressed like school marms. They were 39 but could pass for 25 easily. Okay, they had some lines around the eyes (crow's feet), some colors on their legs that shouldn't be there, and maybe a millimeter of looseness in a few places. That didn't change the fact that they were like living dolls, with Barbie dimensions. I even watched my mom fit her twin sister for a wedding gown. I wasn't moved by her 37 hips or 24 waist, but the 36 up top with a D cup did 'inspire me'. All this time I thought that it was just padding up there, but no: it was all mom and her s*s, all real.I neared 18 and the mandatory move-out date. I couldn't help but notice that my mom and her sister spent more and more weekend time all.
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