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I live with my mom in a two bedroom apartment on the outskirts of downtown Chicago. Mom cuts hair and does facials and waxing for a living.Every morning at 6:00 AM sharp she comes into my room with a cup of coffee and wakes me up for school. She always puts the coffee on my nightstand and then sits down on the side of the bed. "Hey Big Guy, up and at 'em. Time to rise and shine!" Same time, same routine every morning."Hey Mom." I roll around under the covers while she shakes my shoulders, pats my butt and kisses my neck. "A few more minutes?" Same thing, every morning. "Sure," she says. "You can get to school late. What college is going to care if you don't get to class on time?" Crap." I yawn, roll out of bed in my boxer shorts, grab the coffee, and head for the bathroom. Same thing, every morning.So one night a few weeks ago, Mom went to a PTA meeting. As soon as she left, I called up my girlfriend Cindy and asked her to come over. We smoked a little weed and drank a little beer in. "The grunts gathered momentum, followed by verbalized delight.I turned to examine the state of our headboard, carved from reclaimed barn wood. "I didn't even have to deal with this in college." No amorous roommates or neighbors?" They were mostly chaste geeks like me. Or they engaged in their intercourse in other people's rooms."The ruckus abruptly ended."Want to give them a run for their money?" Kevin leered at me."The thought of Quigley's balls slapping against my friend's keister giving you a chubby this Saturday morning?" Egad, Jax." Sufficiently squicked out by that image, my husband whirled away from me and headed for the bathroom."This is why you married me!" I bellowed at him from under the sheets.He ran back, pounced on the mattress, and covered my neck with smooches. "And I would marry you again and again and again."I squealed with amusement as I tickled his tummy. "Maybe I would, too."…"Whose waffle is going to ding first?" I poured my batter before yours. Therefore." You.
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