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The only real marker of reality, the last vestige of the mind’s connection to the body of the creature, now almost abjectly object, animal, property is in her movement. There is no part of my body that is not physically, palpably hurting, aching dully or stinging with pain without reprieve. The endorphins have long worn off – a frustrating paradox. What is now pain that I want direly to escape was precisely what was integral in bringing about the incredible rush that I had craved all my life in the first place. Such sadistic pain giving such perverse pleasure, and now, even feeling the full extent of hurt and no longer able enjoy it, there remained a deep need, an almost mechanical response to you. Like a child awaiting Santa, the Gothic version of that tale.It starts from my toes to my feet, neatly caned in rows from sole up, the design similar to that on my back, ass and thighs, only from different instruments of torture. The layered stripes now a mix of angry red, bruised. "What," she snapped. "You did what?"Surprisingly calmly, Amber said, "I asked Jay and Esme to take it. It'llhave two parents. And it'll get to live in New York and have achance...." Amber Rose O'Neill, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard yousay. And that is a tough title to win."Jay moved over and put his arm around Amber. "Stop it, ma! Why is itstupid?" I need to explain to you why it's stupid? That I have to do that justshows me how stupid you are." That's not an answer," he said. He looked away from his mother. Esme tookhis hand and squeezed it.She laughed. "You two are going to raise a child? You and Esme?" Shelooked at Esme and said, "No offense, Esme, but you're not exactly mothermaterial."Esme felt herself starting to cry and tried to will herself not to.Unsuccessfully. Stef came over and held her. "Ma! I cannot believeyou!"Margaret said, angrily, "That is NOT what I meant and you know it."Amber looked at her. "What did you mean, ma? How is she not.
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