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I would love to hear the words ‘I want you to feel good.’ And what of these men who pass into the background noise of my head? Do they only wait for me to be weak and vulnerable? I care deeply and I deny not my love for the men I’ve shared my heart with. Mom taught me sex without love is a degradation of one’s soul. Mom, I really tried to love them all, but they couldn’t handle my wild heart. So if it’s just been sex, and all my unselfish gestures go to waste eventually, where do I turn now? It’s always been about him. Whether it was this ‘him’, or that ‘him’, didn’t really matter. I’ve poured myself into making it ‘work’ over and over only accomplishing to tear a hole in some guy’s heart and leave myself drained and devastated. I’ve spent the better part of my adulthood trying to convince my spirit that life was easier with a man by my side. At the cost of many self sacrificial moves, I’ve buried myself again, along with any resolution to my current conundrum. I found a needle in a. Short term girlfriends through high school, not that I was trying for short term or not wanting a commitment; it was just how things worked out. Katie Jones had been the exception though. We had met in French class and had just clicked. We had ended up a couple and had lasted for almost a year, until her father had been stationed in Germany for two years. We had intended to stay in touch, but with the great distance and the technology limitations of the time it just hadn’t been workable. After that dating others was very hit and miss, a lot of first dates or short term things that just didn’t seem to make a connection with.Once in the Army that seemed to be similar as well. It was hard trying to make a potential relationship work knowing you had the probability of going overseas or away for training for months at a time, if not a full year. Reyna had come along and changed all that. Something as simple as a seat in a classroom: who knew it could have such a big impact on my life? I.
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