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“Soon,” he answered, his mouth around me again.Soon? Soon? Soon I’d be ready to combust. Which meant begging or leaving before I lost my self-worth. Or it’d be over. Which meant I’d have to make some kind of decision, which I wasn’t equipped to handle. I felt my head shaking, hips aching to meet his fingers. His mouth.“Yes, Lane. That’s it. Fuck me back. Show me.”It wasn’t about ownership. Wasn’t about violence or ego or going outside his box or bragging rights. It wasn’t about anything superficial. And intimacy? He was scared too. Needed reassurance.Maybe he was as alone as I was. Maybe of all the steps he made inside the fold, there were the same amounts that weren’t. And maybe my heart beat in the off tempo.Maybe his beat in mine. “You keep saying you want to give me everything, that you want to make me the happiest girl in the world tonight. So do it. Push that cock inside me. Fuck me like you’ve never dreamed of anyone else.” Eyes on mine, he closed his mouth. I could see reality and I wanted it, but the gravity of the blackness seemed to increase in strength, sucking me back inside. I knew I needed help. I knew I needed to be stronger, but every time, the black hole would swallow me, leaving me with a feeling of not knowing if it was worth fighting for my life any longer. Sometimes, it felt like light would never again penetrate down to me, deep inside the blackness.Jameson took advantage of it, as did men later after I freed myself of him in a momentary period of strength. But men seemed to be able to identify my weakness, my inclination to submit to their demands and manipulation, sensing that I was tired of the struggle.“And Henry Ordman?”I gave him a weak smile. It was a smile somewhere between complete defeat and irrational hope. “It wasn’t just him, there were others in the office and outside. I never knew for sure, but I had the feeling that it was Jameson’s final abuse on me that he found where I ended up and confided in the.
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