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”“It was ... and when I was younger, I think it saved my life a bunch of times. I wasn’t suicidal ... it’s just that I’d get beaten down so far by my parents’ expectations, and displeasure I wasn’t meeting those expectations, that I’d start thinking there was no way for me to make it through without bending to my parents’ will. I didn’t know I was a submissive yet, but my need for approval and validation ... there were times in my teenage years I strongly considered putting me – the real me – to the side and becoming what they wanted me to be.“And I’d call Granny. She and Gramps would get on the line and I’d talk to them about it. If the phone call helped – and it usually did – all well and good. But if they felt I needed a break from my folks, they’d come get me and off I’d go for a stay at their house.“This was almost always in the summer when I couldn’t escape my mother by being in school.“It pissed my father off so bad ... not sure how he could have been raised by them. He’d. I want to get back to San Francisco tonight."Just before midnight Roger and Lee pulled into his driveway. They unpacked the car and just sat all of their gear in the living room. Little was said between them as they got ready for bed. They both got into bed naked and they held each other for a while until Lee turned to go to sleep. Roger stared into the darkness as sleep eluded him.His mind was racing. Lei's killer had changed him. There was something new inside of him; a hardness that he didn't like but that was now a part of him forever. This new world of his was a reality that he didn't want to be real. Roger knew that he had embarked on a path that he could never return from. He had sworn to himself that he would never allow Ben to drag him into a life of crime but here he was taking Ben's life and living it as his own.It wasn't long before Roger began arguing with himself. He tried to tell himself that Ben had tricked him into entering Ben's world. As soon has he told himself.
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