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" It's a very old tradition." How old?" I asked.He looked at his watch. "I'd say it started in about three hours."He estimated it correctly.We were trying not to be too obvious, so we each slept at home.Sandy let me in around ten, as always with the big hug."Jeff's in the kitchen." She sang it.The beans were boiling and he was skimming off some foamy white stuff with a big spoon."What is that?" I asked."The farts." Jeff! That's not you. Where did that come from?" That's what Sam calls it. It's actually the oligosaccharides, which are -" Okay, it's the farts."Does the rest of his family find these long explanations interesting and endearing? Or do they sometimes want to scream, like I do?After two or three minutes there were no more farts collecting at the top.Jeff laid out the plan for cutting up the peppers and onions and sautéing them. He had his own version of The Joy of Cooking, which he demonstrated.I started to cut a pepper and Jeff proceeded to show me the proper method. He. . referring to me? I took a deep breath,determined to get through this as quickly and painlessly as possible, andpeeled off the shorts. The girls -- let me just refer to them that way -- looked at my crotch and raised their eyebrows, which I ignored. Theyled me to a stall shower and handed me a plastic bottle of something.When I looked at it in puzzlement, not recognizing the brand name, Lottaexplained, "Depilatory, dear."Carmen clarified, "Hair remover. Just rub it all over yourself and waita few minutes for it to work." And then let warm water run all over you, soothing, relaxing, awakeningthe woman inside." She tittered. "And once you're dry we can proceed tohiding your three-piece set."I closed the swinging glass door on the shower, which unfortunatelywasn't frosted or rippled. The two TVs had a clear view of me, whichthey were enjoying shamelessly. I quickly smeared the creamy substancefrom the bottle all over me, making sure to do a thorough job so thiswouldn't take any.
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