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Ididn't need to be told that. It's something you come to realise on yourown, even when you're very young. I knew, even then, that a little boyhad to try and be a boy even if that was not the way he felt. As far asI was concerned, I was the only boy in the whole wide world who hadthese feelings. It didn't dawn on me that perhaps there were other boyswho felt this way. I thought this was something to keep to yourself.And as I got a little older, it was something to be embarrassed about,something no one else would or should ever know. Tell anyone you knewyou were a girl inside? Ridiculous. Like I said, you learn to put onan act. Hide your true feelings, so people don't get to see the realyou. That's probably why nobody noticed."It's hard to put into words what I was feeling, listening to Josh, who,until a just a short while ago, I had thought of as my strong,masculine husband, admit to such feelings. Sure, I was always aware hewasn't a "lad's lad," but it had never entered my head to. " Shut up," she went quiet for a moment, her 13 year old brain searchingfor a suitable insult, "you baby. You're starting to look more like aninfant every day and you're supposed to be a man! You should be going toschool too, especially after your little play time with the girliesyesterday," she laughed at this, in spite of her pain at having to go toschool with such a drastic disfigurement, "except you'd probably bebetter going to pre-school like a toddler or something. I mean, look atyou with that teddy bear. How pathetic."I turned sharply to see that the bear was still cuddled into me. To myshame I could vaguely remember pulling into me tightly in the night,desperate to feel some company in the bed. "You're just sore because thatthing makes you even uglier than you were before," I replied, not quiteknowing why I was being so mean, "and imagine what your nose is going tolook like when the splint comes off. You'll end up looking like a rugbyplayer or something."She stood still for a.
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