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After drinking all night and coming to the realization that I would give up many of the things that I have simply to fall hard for a woman, it would be really nice to just fall down and pass out. I get the sneaking feeling that it’s not going to happen. My hands still smell like vomit and as I rub my face, washing it with dry skin, the stench of them makes me want to rinse them in bile again. I don’t, because I’m not that drunk, anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I put myself in positions that would disgust me, were I sober, on purpose. Everything has the hazy, undefined quality of a nightmare. You know what you need, what you have to do, but you just can’t do it. I want to cry. God, I just want to sleep in a woman’s arms that I love, again. Falling in love and watching her walk out of the restaurant, pass me in her car, walk away, run down the street, is killing me. No one would believe that a man who can call someone a ‘fucking cunt,’ with a totally straight face is concerned with. She was the closest friend that Angie had and that brought me close to my wife again. The feelings I had for Deb were something for the future. I knew they were coming, but it wasn't time to let the memories of Angie go yet. We had been so happy together. I still could conjure up her laugh and her face when she was happy or sad and when she was serious. They would recede into the past over time--I knew that.I drifted back to the night Angie and I first had sex. It was after a night out and we had been together long enough to get comfortable with each other. It was what I had looked forward to, but I let her govern our relationship in that respect. The rules she set--no sex during the week--only after the one night I took her out each weekend. It was just something that made my relationship unique with the person I finally asked to be my wife.When Shirley first divorced me, I let the house cleaning and repairs go and that is when I needed a housekeeper to get things back in order..
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