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Jeff positioned the camcorder primarily to record the sounds and facial expressions of the ladies, switching intermittently to record the welts being inflicted.Both ladies took thirty strokes, it was apparent that Leslie was on the verge of passing out, with Jackie in severe pain but capable of enduring more. Both were screaming to the utmost of their ability to satisfy the decibel requirements, and would likely have strained vocal cords for a few days as well.Leaving Jackie and Leslie to writhe in pain, Bill next turned his attention to Barb, who up until now had received minimal corporal punishment. ?You seem to be enjoying the plight of your friends don’t you?? asked Bill.When Barb failed to reply, Bill delivered one cane stroke to her buttocks, ?I expect an answer bitch?, he demanded. ?No I’m not enjoying it? was her forced reply. Rather than continue with her caning, Bill turned to nipple torture, attaching a clamp to each nipple. Connected by a short chain Bill repeatedly. And most of the time, I didn't particularly care one way or another. That's part of the problem right there. I didn't care.Shit. Jenny must be right. I am a closed book. So if that's the problem, the obvious solution is let myself open up. To get beyond the simple expedient of being 'the boyfriend' and allowing them to see the real me, which is terrifying to contemplate.Why was that such a scary thought? Fear of rejection? Well, I should be used to that by now. Except, I always took comfort in the idea that they weren't really rejecting me, because they didn't really know the 'real' me. They were rejecting my version of 'the boyfriend'.I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always been a dead end, and if I ever wanted something like long-term happiness I'd have to be honest with them and myself. I'd have to learn how to be myself, which was a weird thought. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be.
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