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And, well ... he got even more freaky about it. He started saying it would be the coolest thing ever if Jason got me pregnant." Holy shit, Mom! Are you kidding me? Dad said THAT?" Yes he did. Ughhh ... I really shouldn't be telling you this." Whatever you want, Mom. I'm O.K. either way. Just go ahead and tell me what you want me to know." Thanks again, Sweetheart. But it feels O.K. I think it's better for me to tell somebody. It feels like this is helping me get some perspective on everything. O.K., yes, that was one of Dad's crazy thoughts. We were both nutty. Thankfully I never got totally wrapped up in that idea ... about him getting me pregnant. Before you ask, I'll admit that it crossed my mind. But I never seriously considered it.The panties thing continued and we started the flirting and 'accidental' touching again. I was getting worked up all the time, at home and online with stories and emails, chat rooms where I met new people interested in what I was going through, and. That's in large part because explanations are always utilitarian, rational, and based on principles of acquisition, self-justification, and the universally agreed upon value of survival. What I'm doing here has nothing to do with any of these sensible daytime pursuits. What I'm doing is gambling everything (yes, even my life) for a moment of ecstasy—the ecstasy of losing everything for nothing. Nothing, that is, but the thrill of absolute surrender.It’s sexual, to be sure, but not just physically; in fact, one would be hard-pressed to find any signs of physical arousal in my current state. I remember how some twenty minutes before, Master took the stocking I handed him, wrapped one end around each of his fists, and pulled it taut, just as a killer does in the movies when he’s about to strangle the unsuspecting heroine. And yet, even with this vague misgiving, I obediently turned and faced the wall, knelt on the floor as he ordered, crossed my wrists behind my back, and waited.
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