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The guy, Alan, was a tall muscular jock whom you would be the last person to be gay, but he was a closeted homosexual. The idea of coming out, as Jake told me, would get him banished from his very straight Rebulican family. The jealousy was fleeting and I was glad Jake was helping someone. "How is the sex?" I asked. Jake's face lit up and then suddenly slackened. "But not better than you," he said. I was still the only person he dressed in drag for. With Alan it was sexual with Jake playing the submissive, which usually preferred, but did on occassion liked to "get my dick dirty". Whenever Jake described these encounters I found myself becoming very aroused and discreetly removed my cock and stroked it as he continued the story. As the story progressed I opened his pants and removed his cock and started sucking on it, tasting the preexisting precum from the tip. The only negative aspect, explained Jaked, was the pent of sexual energy that Alan had amassed sometimes became hurtful. I see patients regularly who are in similar condition, Ted never did the one thing most do, complain. He just accepted, at least openly. I read his last stories after his death, and realized my mistake. When Ted was ready to go, I should have let him. He stayed alive for at least an extra year, only because of me. It was just when he could no longer cope that he let go..My fault, my greed, my need, I wanted him with me. It was only 5 weeks later and I had to go back to work, the walls of my lonely house were climbing in at me. I found myself trying to force myself to sleep, to dream. I was hoping for a moment more, another touch, I realized I was losing control of myself. So I called Sally, my super, of course they could use me. Back to the HMO clinic I went, thinking that keeping busy would help me to cope. And I accepted a date with one of my patients! My 2nd patient of the day, I had to simply be out of my mind! I remember opening my mouth to say, ‘Thank you, but sorry, I don’t.
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