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Mrs. Sullivan said that I should take a bath and cleanse myself. She said that I should wipe myself with a cloth and that when I washed, I should visualize it as if I was washing away the bad touches of the rapist prick. That I could wipe away his negative energy. That way, I could take back ownership of my body image and my feelings. I need to try and think good of my breasts again, I guess; I don’t know, though ... I mean, all men do is just stare at them all the time.“Most of the guys in school haven’t looked me in the face since I turned twelve and started growing them. I ... I really do wish that I had smaller ones most of the time ... I hate looking at them right now ... Every time that I take my shirt off, all I see is that shithead’s mouth and teeth all over them,” she wailed as tears started forming in her eyes. Her mood quickly deteriorated as she remembered the other night.I kissed her firmly on the mouth and rubbed her back soothingly, “I’m sorry, CC, I didn’t mean to. As a shy boy I'd looked withenvy and admiration at all the girls in my class as they'd changedshape, changed from cute little girls to beautiful young women, astheir bodies gradually took on the curves of womanhood, as they cameto look so delectable that I'd been afraid even to speak to them, tosuch marvelous creatures. So instead I'd begun to imagine myself one of them. From a distanceI'd watch them giggling and chatting and preening. In fantasy Imingled among them. Then as I chose I'd hold one, caress another,kiss one, admire the beauty of another, all the while holding,caressing, kissing, or admiring myself while looking in a mirror. Itwas better still if I could make myself look like them. It helpedthat my face and manners were somewhat effeminate naturally -- I'dimagine they were even more so, and I'd practice making them more so.I tried lipstick, then eyeliner and eye shadow, then after readingsome fashion magazines I began using foundation and powder and blushand gradually.
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