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The moment I touch him, he wakes, and his whole body goes rigid. His ankles swing together as though they are being dragged by magnets and he is pulled away from me.Engulfed in thickened shadow up to the shoulders, he looks at me with cold desperation and helpless panic. He knows. There isn’t anything else I can do, so when the unknown force pulls him taught against my grip, reflexively, I let go. It can’t do any good to go with him, but the amount of comfort I find in that is essentially immeasurable. The moment he slips away from me, his silence turns to sickening screams. The final echoes of his terror ring in my ears just as Ash’s do, and I am… broken. Only for a moment, but for it I am utterly devastated by my failure.Dizzied by the shock of the experience, it takes me almost too long to start moving. I hear the whispering call of the violent air and I am pulled to it. I feel it in me… a tightening grasp on the beating of my heart, tethering me inescapably to the. Or at least mildly interested, andperhaps helpful. But when she actually saw me cross dressed, reality replacedfantasy. Long months of resentment and grief followed while ourmarriage foundered. She made impossible demands I was too honestto accept, that it was a filthy addiction like smoking I shouldgive up cold turkey, or taper off gradually, that a shrink couldcure me, that I should take up golf or tennis instead, that Ishould settle for flashy men's clothes whenever I felt the urge. She had cross dressing confused with infidelity, as if by dating mymirror image I was being intimate with another woman. I argued inturn that it was harmless, for me a source of great joy, nothingmore. Finally she understood that it was a compulsion, delightfulto me if perverse to her, but a deep-rooted, powerful compulsionnevertheless, dating maybe even from a prenatal time of life. Itwas how I was. Finally we agreed that I could keep doing it, sinceI'd keep doing it anyhow, but it should.
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