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She hoped Gary was the kind of guy who could handle her insecurities. She then wrote about her need to feel safe in his company, and her need to learn. Not only from her mistakes, but from his example.She swallowed as she imagined lying over his lap to be spanked. Her hands shook as she admitted to feeling a strong need to be guided, and if necessary, punished. She didn't want to be punished. But she felt she needed to know that he would punish her, if he felt it were necessary. She also felt a strong need to be forgiven for her errors once corrected. She didn't need snide comments or to be reminded of things she'd done wrong when she'd learnt the lesson. Elaine thought it would insult her intelligence, but she didn't write that. She knew Gary was smart enough to understand her meaning.To finish with, she talked about her need for consistency in his treatment of her, and of course, her need for honesty and open lines of communication. Elaine was concerned that parts of what she had. Alyssa’s one or two nights a week out with her friends turned into two or three nights a week with just one of her friends, Justin Reynolds. She always came home at a reasonable hour except for one or two times, special occasions she called them. Once again I paced and thought and worried until she came home. On those ‘special nights’ she always told me what time she expected to be home and not to wait up. Like that was going to happen. About an hour before she was due home, I would turn out the lights downstairs and sit in the dark at the top of the stairs until I heard Alyssa saying good night to Justin and would quickly adjourn to the bedroom. I could have told her not to go, I know she would have honored my request. But if I did that Alyssa would have began to resent me and maybe love me less. I couldn’t take a chance on losing her so I didn’t say anything and sort of suffered in silence. The only hope I had was to let her interest in Justin wither and fade. Instead of fading her.
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