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"So," Jen started. "You ready to kick the night off right. Forget the morning. The past is in the past." She made me smile. Trying to comfort me, I hugged her again. I could have cried, but I didn't want to ruin the night. I stayed positive and we talked about work and other things to take my mind off things. The line was starting to move and we entered the club. The music was loud and streams of blue and greens lights swept the floor. The DJ was pretty cute, but what I really needed was a drink and a hot dance. I ordered straight rum on the rocks. I really didn't care, and I really needed it. "Let's go!" I grabbed Jen and Kate. "We should dance." Kate set down her drink and followed after Jen and I. I led her by the hand and started moving to the beat of the music. We all got close to the middle and didn't think. Just danced. I noticed Kate was interested in a guy that caught her eye. I nodded that she was ok and watched her put her arms around his neck and dance. It was. If he even cares about me to begin with? Etc, etc, etc. Insert standard sadness shit here, blah... As you know, I struggle with trying to distract myself with other tasks or activities that might help take my mind off how unworthy I feel - and how much wine I've consumed in recent months - but nothing is helping. I can't even find someone who is willing to hold me for longer than a few hours, without it being in between meaningless sex. Hell, at this point, even a friend would be nice. Someone I can just talk to who would be willing to listen and make sure I don't die from alcohol poisoning - or loneliness, whichever gets me first. I don't know how in the world I got to this point in my life but Jesus Fucking Christ, it sucks. I want my happy ending too, dammit. I want kids and a loving husband. A family to come home to that will be excited to see me with hugs, kisses and I love you's. I want my husband to come up behind me and hug me while I wash dishes in my sweats and an old,.
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