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When she was at home, she was always exhausted. She never refused me sex, but it was no better than necrophilia, and gradually I stopped bothering. I deeply regretted selling the house in Tiburon because I would have surely gone there. I doubt very much that separation would have shocked her into change, and divorce would have inevitably followed. I find myself wondering if that might have been best. But such thinking is futile. I did sell the house. I did stay in Cambridge. And we did stay together, if peculiarly. My life become one of memory and fantasy. Memories of days, nights, experiences, with Julie and Anne, and other women, some of whose names I could not even remember, some of whom I was surprised to realize I had known twenty or thirty years earlier, were incomparably more vivid than Lynn’s infrequent, wraithlike presence. I masturbated to those memories considerably more than I had sex with my wife. And I masturbated to rented videos, seeking out those which featured. Having chugged the beer in one go and sent another one down his throat to keep the first company, Carson carefully balanced a golf ball on his latest garden ornament, took a full-bloodied swing with his beloved Wilson Staff Triton driver, tripped over his own legs and knocked himself out on the menacing metal cylinder lying on the lawn . *** “What are you doing out here? It’s nearly midnight?” It was the voice which bullied Carson’s brain back into what passed for consciousness, rather than the violence of the shaking. “Dunno,” he slurred honestly. “You’ve been drinking! You know you’re not supposed to do that with your medication.” The vehemence of the accusation made Carson’s head recoil with such unexpected acceleration that his brain bounced painfully off the inside of his skull. “Quiet pissably,” Carson drawled. Remembering through the pain that his life had been boring before Karen Foley. There were doubts: inevitable given that the woman was twenty years his junior;.
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