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The last few weeks had been a rollercoaster of emotions I was barelyprepared to process now, let alone in those moments then. My mindfluctuated so hard every day between loving my new clothes and wanting tokeep going and accept my feminized persona and be Lily with Erin all thetime, and hating what I had become, wanting it only to be over andregretting that I ever had to be chosen in the first place. I loved mynew clothes and I loved Erin, but I was ashamed to love them like I didand I was afraid of what others really thought of me. I remembereddressing up for our date in one of my favorite outfits of the wholeexperience. She said I didn't have to, but in that moment I wanted to, alot. I remembered my pure emotional breakdown that came in the lockerroom, but also the way she pulled the first tube of lipstick across mylips and I couldn't get enough of that feeling, or her. Erin was like anaddiction. It didn't matter whether I had wanted to stop or not, becauseI couldn't. But when I had. " We can take my car then. After a coffee I can take you home."We put our shopping bags in the boot of my Prius. Fortunately I had been able to keep my luxury car. Although since having Bobby, it had quickly become trashed with baby toys and supplies. I had to clear a box of nappies off of the front seat, so Nicola would have space to sit. We rode to the coffee shop in complete silence. She rubbed her hands nervously on her knees and looked out of the window the entire ride. I chose a café slightly outside of Canterbury which I knew would be quiet and where I wouldn't run into anyone that I knew.We picked a table close to a window and both ordered a cappuccino. Nicola pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her pocket and placed one in her mouth. Upon seeing her light it, the waitress brought an ashtray to our table."Do you want one?" She asked me."No." I had only ever smoked, because Mark had. But since getting pregnant I had given up completely. "So, what's new with you?"I realised.
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