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Faria, the beneficent and cheerful companion, with whom he was accustomed to live so intimately, no longer breathed. He seated himself on the edge of that terrible bed, and fell into melancholy and gloomy revery.Alone--he was alone again--again condemned to silence--again face to face with nothingness! Alone!--never again to see the face, never again to hear the voice of the only human being who united him to earth! Was not Faria's fate the better, after all--to solve the problem of life at its source, even at the risk of horrible suffering? The idea of suicide, which his friend had driven away and kept away by his cheerful presence, now hovered like a phantom over the abbe's dead body."If I could die," he said, "I should go where he goes, and should assuredly find him again. But how to die? It is very easy," he went on with a smile; "I will remain here, rush on the first person that opens the door, strangle him, and then they will guillotine me." But excessive grief is like a storm. " I spent the next few days confused. The one girl who wants me is reallya guy. I never had any thoughts before about Jeff in that way, but seeinghim as Jennifer that was different somehow. Was I reacting to the womanunderneath the male exterior, or was I so sexually frustrated that I waswilling to go for anything even remotely female? I needed to know moreabout this transsexualism thing, so one night while we were studying Iasked him. "So how long is it going to take for you to become a girl?" "I don't know. If I were to start hormones tomorrow, it'd probably takesix months to a year before my body looks reasonably female. Then I'll needelectrolysis for the beard, a tracheal shave to remove the Adam's Apple,and couple more years of living as a woman before I can be approved for thefinal surgery. Of course all this will happen if I can afford it. I amgoing to need at least twenty thousand dollars. " "So I'd say about four to five years at least before you can become.
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